i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
