my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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