i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
