Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
