This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
two words: eviction party
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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