in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
