I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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