I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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