Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
