And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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