Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
