Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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