My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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