hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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