just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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