Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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