Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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