he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
