1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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