first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He did a backflip because drugs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
