I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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