i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
