She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
