she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
