I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
