tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
