Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
