Whatcha textin bout Willis?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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