So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
