you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
