my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
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I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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