I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I am full of burrito and curiosity
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize