I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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