A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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