wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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