you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
