Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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