Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
