Can i not drive my cunt home
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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