I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
