after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
