a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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