i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
