Apparently you make a good broom.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
