So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Drunk is not a location!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
