I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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