are you still at the devil's house?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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