ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
