I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
