you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
