Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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