Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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