I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
