Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
