My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
