Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
