I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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