I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool