It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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