I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
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connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
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Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.