Jerry, you need to find god
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dating After Heartbreak
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
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"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
And then my night got REAL pukey
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID