I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
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I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from