Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
