They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.